Some signs go to therapy. Some signs write songs. And then there are the signs that open Google Slides, choose the “Minimalist Blue” template, and turn heartbreak into a 12-slide TED Talk—complete with graphs, citations, and a dramatic closing statement that belongs in an Oscars speech.

Cancer

: Basically invented the Trauma PowerPoint. This sign adds animations. “Childhood wounds” fly in with a boing sound. There’s a graph showing “How Much It Hurt (A Lot)” and a pie chart labeled “Trust Issues.” Audience is expected to clap or cry. Both are acceptable.

Virgo

: Presents trauma like a quarterly performance review. Bullet points. Sub-bullet points. Indexed footnotes. Virgo even sends the PDF to everyone after, “for their records.” Bonus points for a passive-aggressive Q&A slide titled: “What I Could’ve Said but Chose Peace.”

Scorpio

: Starts the slideshow with a black screen and heavy breathing. By slide three, it’s a full-on HBO limited series. Secrets. Betrayals. A red-string murder board. Ends with, “I’m fine though,” which is a certified lie.

Fish

: Their deck is mostly collage. Photos, quotes, blurry screenshots of sad lyrics, and that one Lana Del Rey poem no one really understood. Background music plays from their phone—on loop. Emotional hostage situation: activated.

Libra

: Makes a trauma deck but color-coordinates it and adds compliments about everyone in the room to soften the blow. Ends up apologizing for crying in slide six, even though they were right the whole time.

Sagittarius

: Doesn’t

make

the PowerPoint. Sagittarius

inspires

five of them by setting fire to every relationship between 2012–present. Then proceeds to roast everyone’s childhood trauma “for character development” while sipping a drink and refusing to apologize. Sag calls it “tough love,” but it’s giving villain origin story.

Gemini

: Starts the deck with trauma, ends with memes. The transition slide says, “Anywayyyy,” followed by a Buzzfeed quiz result and an apology in Comic Sans. Claims it’s “all a joke,” but everyone still leaves emotionally disoriented.